Thing's They Wouldn't Say
by buckwolvhoosier
Summary: My sister and I made these up when we were bored one night. They are random statements and spoofs that the inhabitants of Alagaesia would not normally say. I think it's really funny, but I want to know what you think :
1. Things They Wouldn't Say Part 1

Things They Wouldn't Say

Eragon Style

Durza: Crazy, I was crazy once. They put me in a rubber room. Rubber room, rubber room.

Durza: Of course I do not have any 'shrooms hidden at Gil'ead.

Durza: I am gay!

Galbatorix: Eragon, wanna spend the night at my house?

Galbatorix: All right, if you cannot play nice, you cannot play together!

Galbatorix: Stop the fighting!

Galbatorix (Singing a rip off of "Barbie Girl") I'm an ugly king in a vast kingdom. Watch me kill that dragon rider! Come on Durza let's go party! Ooh! Ooh!

Ajihad: We're living La Vida Loca here at the Varden!

Ajihad (To Eragon): Ok, for food and lodging that'll be $59.99.

Ajihad: Eragon, Harry Potter called. He says he wants to have tea with you tomorrow afternoon.

Murtagh: I am such a ladies' man!

Murtagh (At McDonald's): But I want THAT toy!

Nasuada (Impersonating Paris Hilton): That's hot!

Eragon (To Brom): Are we there yet?

Eragon: I'm too sexy for my dragon!

Eragon (To Arya): I bought you some chocolates, but I ate them all.

Eragon (To Saphira who is drinking a Monster): What have I done? I have created a Monster!

Eragon (Looking at Zar'roc): Ooh! Shiny!

Eragon: But Brom, I do not want to go to the Varden!

Eragon: I like cheese…

Eragon (In a supermarket when the intercom sounds): Oh no! It's those voices again!

Saphira: I am afraid of heights!

Brom: Pillow fight!

Brom: Sorry Eragon, all this time I have been working for the King!

Sloan (At McDonald's): Do you have any veggie burgers?

Arya: Eragon, this is a serious matter…Ooh! Squirrel!

Arya: I feel fat.

Arya: **belches the ABC's**

Angela: Sorry Eragon, I lied. I am not a herbalist at all. I am actually a hair dresser.

Roran (After finding out his father is dead and Eragon is gone): Oh no! What shall we do?!

Morn: Eragon, you are NOT 21 yet!

Twilight rip off:

Eragon (To Arya): How old are you?

Arya: Over 100

Eragon: How long have you been over 100?

Arya: A while

Monty Python rip off's

Murtagh: I am a Knight that say's "Ni!"

Twins: What is your name?

Eragon: Eragon the Dragon Rider

Twins: What is your quest?

Eragon: To kill Galbatorix

Twins: What is the air speed velocity of a swallow?

Eragon: What an African or European swallow?

Twins: What, we don't know that!

Eragon (Wounded in battle): 'Tis only a flesh wound!

Deal or No Deal rip off:

Arya: Ok Durza, I will give you the dragons egg, but only if you can guess in which of these 26 briefcases it is in!

Pirates of the Caribbean rip off:

Eragon: Yo! Ho! Yo! Ho! A Rider's life for me!

Men in Tights rip off:

Durza: Excuse me your highness, but wasn't your mole on the other side of your face?

Galbatorix: I have a mole?!

Never Ending Story rip off:

Eragon (Riding on Saphira's back): Yeah!

Saphira: You're too heavy!

Eragon: Yeah!

Saphira: We're going down!

Eragon: Yeah!

**Saphira crashes**

Eragon: Yeah.

Pink Panther 2 rip off:

Eragon: (Speaking in the Ancient Language)

Queen Islanzadi: Eragon, I do speak the common tongue.

Eragon: Oh yeah, prove it!

Family Guy rip offs:

Roran: I can't believe Katrina was taken away!

Eragon: I still can't believe it's not butter!

Ajihad (Interrogating Eragon and Murtagh): Which one of you is the rider?

**Murtagh points to Eragon**

Eragon: Don't point at me you jackass!

Eragon: What should I name my sapphire dragon?


	2. Things They Wouldn't Say Part 2

Things They Wouldn't Say Part 2

Eragon Style

Eragon: Avada Kadabra…oops, wrong movie!

Eragon (To Ajihad): When was the last time this volcano erupted?

Eragon(To Murtagh): Of course I will give you back your father's sword. It was tacky anyways.

Eragon: Yes! I am the son of Morzan.

(Finds out he is actually the son of Brom)

Eragon: Aww…I wanted to be a rebel!

Eragon(In Dragon vision): You always see like this?

Saphira: Only when I'm high!

Eragon(To Durza): What's with the costume? It's not Halloween yet!

Saphira: I like big butts and I cannot lie…

Saphira(Singing to Eragon): I can't get you out of my head…

Saphira: I have a brother whose name is Puff the Magic Dragon. He lives by the sea.

Saphira: Eragon, your flying ticket has expired

Saphira: I am not a taxi sevice!

Brom: How do you confuse a blonde?

Eragon: Hey! Watch it!

Brom: I'm bored…

(Eragon goes to wake up Brom)

Brom: Five more minutes…No! I don't want to ride the pony…

Nasuada: Bye, I'm off to Macy's!

Nasuada(To Arya): We are totally like sisters! Let's have a sleepover!

Ajihad: I think the Twins are bipolar

Ajihad: Eragon, Saphira, you are invited to my barbeque this Sunday.

Murtagh: Eragon, are you going to ask Arya out, because if you're not, I will.

Murtagh: I want my mommy!

Murtagh(To Eragon): Let's play some Guitar Hero.

Angela: Twins, wanna double date?

Angela: It's not a toad, it's the Frog Prince!

Solembaum: **looks at a female cat** Meow!

Arya: Ouch! I broke a nail!

Arya: I'm so hungry I could eat a horse!

Solembaum: Why wasn't I in the movie?

Katrina: I am with Solembaum, why wasn't I in the movie either?

Roran: I'm off to join the Navy!

Roran: I'm on a boat!

Durza: I'm thinking about dying my hair again.

Durza: What color contacts should I get this time? These red ones are killing me!

Durza: Eragon, want to come over to my place and play some chess?

Durza: I don't want to go to rehab!

Durza(To Arya about the dragon's egg) Give it to me!

Arya: That's what she said!

Galbatorix: Eragon, want to be my heir to the throne?

Galbatorix: I am gay with Durza

Galbatorix: I am neither a King or a Dragon Rider…I am actually a plumber!

Galbatorix: I'm tired of ruling Alagaesia. I think I will surrender to the Varden.

Galbatorix: I voted for Obama...oh! Wait…

Hrothgar: I'm not short, I'm fun size!

Hrothgar (To Eragon): How's the weather up there?

Twins: Mind probing is so mean. We should stop doing that.

Airplane Spoof:

Arya(To Eragon): I just want to say, good luck, we're all counting on you!

Twilight Spoof:

Eragon: Say it. Say it out loud.

Arya: Dragon Rider.

Eragon: Are you afraid?

Arya: No.

Eragon: Yo, Arya, can I have your number?

Lord of the Rings Spoofs:

Solembaum: The one Dragon Rider to rule them all.

(Eragon and Murtagh are busy counting how many men they kill at the Battle of Farthen Dur)

Eragon: 25

Murtagh: 23

Eragon: 26

Murtagh: 24

(Eragon kills Durza)

Murtagh: That still only counts as one!

Angela(To Eragon): Who is small, ancient, and likes to follow people around?

Eragon: Smeagol?

Angela: **rolls eyes** No Solembaum!

Queen Islanzadi: Arya, who is this Legolas?

Womanizer rip off:

Angela: Dragon Rider fli-i-ies way up in the sky-y-y Whoo! He's all so charmin' Whoo! All so charmin'

Of Mice and Men rip off:

Galbatorix: I want to tend them rabbits

Man in the Iron Mask rip off:

Brom: All for one, and one for all…oh! Wrong movie.

Pink Panther rip off:

Eragon(To Ajihad): I never see you with women.

Ajihad: I'm married

Eragon: You are not wearing a ring

Ajihad: To protect her

Family Guy rip offs:

Nasuada(singing a rip off of Peter Griffin's Song) I am Nasuada, I am very rich. I like stalking Eragon and dressing like a douche!

Arya(To Eragon after a night out): You pay me now?!

Angela(To Eragon after she read his fortune): Where's my money?!

Eragon: I want the red dragon.

Brom: **yells** You're getting blue!

George of the Jungle rip offs:

Eragon(To Saphira): Watch out for that tree!

**Saphira crashes**

Spongebob spoof:

Eragon: Come on Brom, sing the Campfire Song with me!

Brom: Oh, all right. C-A-M-P-F-I-R-E S-O-N-G Song…

Monty Python Spoof:

Angela: Eragon, you must seek the Holy Grail!

Eragon: **crying**

Arya: Why are you crying?

Eragon: Brom's dead!

Brom: I'm not dead, yet!

Eragon: Yes you are!

Brom: No I'm not!

(Eragon stabs Brom. Brom dies.)

Eragon: See, he's dead!

Christopher Paolini spoofs:

Eragon(To CP): Can Arya please fall in love with me already?

Arya: I love you Eragon

Eragon: CP, now you are just showing off!

Brom: Why did you have to let me die, CP?!

Veggie Tales rip off:

Galbatorix: Oh where is my hairbrush?

Sweeney Todd rip off:

Toby(To Galbatorix): Try Pierelli's miracle elixir…

James Bond rip off:

Roran: The names Stronghammer. Roran Stronghammer.

(Eragon sneaks around Gil'ead, "Secret Agent Man" playing in the background)

Eragon: Stop it with the theme music, it'll blow my cover!

Nim's Island rip off:

Arya: Are you all right Eragon?

Eragon(Before the Battle of Farthen Dur): No, I'm only having a nervous breakdown!

CSI spoof:

Twins(Singing the CSI theme song): Who are you? Who who?

Eragon: You know who I am! I am Eragon the Dragon Rider, you nimrods!

Charlie the Unicorn rip off:

Brom: Let's go to the Varden, Eragon!

Saphira: Yeah, Eragon, let's go to the Varden!

Eragon: There's no Varden, ok!

Brom: Shun the non-believer

Saphira: Shun!

Star Wars rip off:

Arya: Aren't you a little young to be a Dragon Rider?

Eragon: Fine, stay her and rot you stuck up bitch!


	3. Things They Wouldn't Say Part 3

Things They Wouldn't Say 3

Eragon Style

Austin Powers Spoofs:

Brom (Talking to Saphira about Eragon): I shall call him Mini-me.

Galbatorix: Eragon is becoming too powerful, so I constructed a "Time Machine." Using this "Time Machine" I will travel; back in time and kill Eragon before he was a Rider.

Durza: That sounds great and all, but haven't you ever heard of the Butterfly Effect?!

Ice Age Spoof:

Solembaum: Doesn't anybody care about Solembaum the werecat?!

Saphira(singing): I like to move it, move it! I like to move it, move it! I like to move it, move it! I like to move it!

Saphira: Alright Eragon, that'll be $5.00 per flight.

Ajihad: What up Homie G?

Ajihad(To Nasuada): Where were you?

Nasuada: Shopping with Arya. Look at this purse I bought, it's Gucci and was on sale!

Ajihad: Nasuada, you're grounded!

Ajihad(Pepping up the Varden for battle): Who are we?

Varden: The Varden!

Ajihad: Who are we?

Varden: The Varden!

Ajihad: Who are we?

Varden: The Varden! Ah-OO! Ah-OO! Ah-OO!

Murtagh(To Eragon): You're my brother from a different mother.

Eragon: We have the same mother, genius!

Eragon: I am tired of eating stale bread, cheese, and beef jerky. I'm ordering a pizza!

Arya: Maybe I should wear girl clothes for a change…Nah! Cross-dressing is fun!

Arya: I love to chew bubble gum!

Arya: I pone at Dance Dance Revolution!

Mulan Spoof:

Eragon: My ancestors sent me a little lizard to help me?

Saphira: Dragon! Dragon! I don't do that tongue thing!

Dude, Where's My Car Spoof:

Eragon(To Brom): Dude, where's my dragon?

Eragon(To Stefen Fangmeier the director of the movie _Eragon_): Why did you deviate so much from Paolini's masterpiece? You're an asshole! You fucked up the whole storyline!

Stefen: Piss off!

Durza(At Wal-Mart): Where are the toothbrushes and toothpaste located?

Nasuada: Omg! I have a zit!

Eragon and Brom (In unison): The Few. The Proud. The Dragon Riders.

Pirates of the Caribbean Spoof:

Brom: Why is the rum always gone?

Lord of the Rings Spoof:

(Sauron and Galbatorix are fighting) Sauron: I am more powerful than you!

Galbatorix: No, I am more powerful! All you made was that stupid ring!

Sloan(At Wal-Mart looking at meat): How do they wrap it so nicely?

Angela: Damn it! Toads do exist!

Eragon and Roran are busy playing Halo 3 on X-Box 360:

Garrow: All right boys, that's enough. Time to do your chores.

**Eragon and Roran groan**

Eragon meets Ed Speleers:

Eragon: Do I have a twin?

Ed: No, I play your character in the movie _Eragon_!

Eragon: What's a movie and how did I get here?

Ed: That's what I want to know!

"That's Not My Name" by the Ting Tings Spoof:

Eragon: They call me him, they call me farm boy., they call me here, they call me rider. That's not my name. That's not my name.

Of Mice and Men Spoof:

Galbatorix: I get to tend them rabbits!


	4. Things They Wouldn't Say Part 4

Things They Wouldn't Say 4

Eragon Style

Lord of the Rings Spoof:

Ajihad: They're taking the Rider to Du Weldenvarden!

Eragon: I lost the game!

Saphira: Jee, thanks Eragon! Now I lost the game!

Lion King Spoof:

Eragon: Oh, I just can't wait to be King!

Lilo and Stitch Spoof:

Durza: I will kill the boy before he becomes a man.

Galbatorix: Hold up, hold everything! I just declared this situation far too dangerous! May I remind you that he is an endangered species! **Hands Durza a book about Dragon Riders** Here educate yourself!

Ajihad: Eragon why are you late?

Eragon: It's sandwich day! Every Tuesday I give Saphira a peanut butter sandwich, but today we were out of peanut butter. So I asked Murtagh what to give her and he said an egg sandwich. I can't give Saphira an egg sandwich, It'll be an abomination. I'm late because I had to go to the store to buy peanut butter because all be had were stinking eggs!

The Princess Diaries Spoof:

Brom (To Eragon): You're a Dragon Rider.

Eragon: Me, a Rider, shut up!

Brom: Pardon me, shut up?

Eragon: **speechless**

Brom: Look, Eragon, I can teach you all there is about being a Rider. I think given some time that you will enjoy riding on Saphira.

Eragon: Ride?! Oh! No! Now you have really got the wrong boy! I can't ride her! I can barely ride a horse!

Brom, my main goal in life is to be a farmer, and I'm good at it!

Murtagh: Eragon. I'm stalking you!

Nasuada: Eragon is so totally hot!

Nasuada: Daddy, how come Eragon has a dragon and I don't? I want a dragon, NOW!

Family Guy Spoofs:

Eragon: Saphira, your scales are so shiny. H-h-h-ow, h-h-h-ow do you do that?

Eragon: Come, Saphira, we need to get going.

Saphira: Not now, Eragon, I'm tired.

Eragon: But the Urgals are nearly upon us!

Saphira: I said I'm tired! Call a cab!

Charlie the Unicorn:

Roran: Hey Murtagh!

Eragon: Yeah Murtagh, you silly evil rider, wake up!


	5. Things They Wouldn't Say 5: Chuck Norris

Things They Wouldn't Say 5

Eragon Style

Chuck Norris Edition

_**This edition is dedicated to the evil Chuck Norris who roams our beloved planet scaring little children. Somehow he entered the world of Eragon and needs to be stopped. Here is the character's of Eragon account of his invasion:**_

**NOTE**: Most of these funny quotes come from the movie _Eragon_ and not the book.

Brom (Narrating): There was a time when the fierce and beautiful land of Alagaesia was ruled by Chuck Norris who never lost the game.

Galbatorix: **Looks underneath his bed** Phew! No Chuck Norris under my bed tonight.

Arya: Is there anyone who trusts the word of Chuck Norris?

Chuck Norris: Christopher Paolini, why didn't you put me in your book? Huh? Well now you will have to watch me ravage the movie version of your masterpiece!

Eragon(To Sloan): I have something, something to trade.

Sloan: What is this?

Eragon: It's money, a $20 dollar bill.

Sloan: Where did you find this?

Eragon: In this strange world called Earth.

Sloan: Put it back then, it belongs to Chuck Norris!

Roran: Eragon, I'm leaving before Chuck Norris comes for me.

Chuck Norris: Eragon I am your father! Ha! No I'm not, I just really wanted to say that.

Roran: Be strong brother, and work on that aim. You may make a hunter yet, against Chuck Norris.

Eragon (Sitting on a rock looking at the sunset): Someday I will get off this rock and join the Rebellion against Chuck Norris!

Arya (To Durza): It's too late, Chuck Norris is here!

Garrow: Eragon, get up and get on with your chores. Chuck Norris does not like a dirty house!

Durza: My King, Galbatorix, as you have feared, Chuck Norris is here!

Galbatorix: Do not let Chuck Norris reach the Varden!

Durza: Ra'zac, Ra'zac. Kill Chuck Norris!

Saphira: I am Saphira, and you are my Rider against Chuck Norris!

Eragon (To Brom): Tell me about Chuck Norris!

Chuck Norris: Come to the dark side, Eragon, we have cookies!

Ajihad: No, come to the Varden, we have cheese!

**Eragon being totally obsessed with cheese had to obviously side with the Varden**

Eragon (Waking up after being passed out): My head, it feels as if I have been kicked by Chuck Norris!

Brom: Magic comes from Chuck Norris.

Eragon: Those were Chuck Norris's guards.

Brom: Yes!

Eragon: Did I kill them?

Brom: Yes!

Brom: Killing Chuck Norris would be easier if he had a weakness…

Durza (To Eragon): May Chuck Norris be with you!

Eragon (Singing to the tune of "Santa Clause is Coming To Town"): Chuck Norris is coming to town. Chuck Norris is coming to town. Chuck Norris is coming to town.

Brom: Better to ask forgiveness NOT permission from Chuck Norris!

Eragon(To Brom): Where is your dragon?

Brom: Dead. Chuck Norris killed her with numb chucks.

Durza: Bring me Chuck Norris, I said. Bring his blood, I said. But you, you bring me nothing!

Brom: Don't eat that food, Eragon. Chuck Norris poisoned it!

Brom: Where are you going?

Eragon: To kill Chuck Norris!

Durza(To Chuck Norris): Forgive me if I stare. I knew you were old, but even I expected someone, well more.

Brom(To Eragon): Did you pierce him through his heart? You can only kill Chuck Norris if you pierce him through his heart and make him lose the game.

Durza: I lost the game. Darn you Chuck Norris!

Saphira: Hurry, Eragon, Chuck Norris is closing in on us!

Galbatorix: The boy has lead us to Chuck Norris! Kill Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris: Ha! You can't kill me stupid King! You should just give up and tend to those rabbits!

Eragon: Saphira, scout for Chuck Norris, but be careful.

Ajihad(To his guards about Murtagh): Seize him, he is the son of Chuck Norris!

Chuck Norris: Mwahahahahahaha!

_**Here ends the first edition starring Chuck Norris…**_

Readers: Wait! There will be more editions with Chuck Norris?!

_**Yes! Don't forget Chuck Norris is hard to kill…if he can even be killed…Somehow I fear that piercing him through the heat while making him lose the game will not kill the man.**_

Reader:……Oh! Crap…we are so screwed!

_**Ya think! I mean seriously, Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding! And, he can march 0 to 5! It's sad. Once, he made me eat cake with a straw!**_

Readers:….Wow! **Walks away slowly** Ok then…

_**Thanks for reading! :)**_


	6. Things They Wouldn't Say Part 6

Things They Wouldn't Say

Brom (About Jeremy Irons Cereal): If you're looking for marshmallows, there are none. I assure you its quite bland. If you're looking for a toy at the bottom of the box, there is none, just more cardboard.

Nasuada (looking at a Arya): Omg! Can you believe what she is wearing? It's hideously ugly! It's not right for a proper lady.

Elva: I feel so emo!

Elva: How come that I am not getting fat? I mean all I do is eat all day!

Galbatorix: They stole it from us! Nasty dragon riders. They stole it from us! My Precious!

Eragon: *singing* everyone went Kung Fu Fighting, hiya! (Attempts to hit Oromis, but epically fails)

Eragon: *singing* Oh I just can't wait to be King!

Arya: I wish Eragon would stop singing!

Oromis: Eragon, would you like to hear my theory of the flying squirrel?

Nasuada: (About Saphira): OMG! Her butt is so big!

LOTR

Eragon: How come Aragorn gets a sexy elf chick and I don't? I mean come on, our names are so close, and holy crap…so are the elf's chick's names...irony? I think not! Damn you CP, I want Tolkien to finish my story!

CP: You talk that way again to me, Eragon, and I will kill you!

Eragon: Bring it on!

CP: *sighs* *Kills Eragon*

Eragon: Shit! (dies)

Arya: NO! I love you, Eragon! Why did you have to die?

Eragon: (looking down from where ever the dead people go in Alagaesia) DAMN YOU CP!

CP:( Manically laughs) Now, on with my story…shit, I need Eragon…(brings Eragon back to life)

Eragon: Yes, I am alive! Arya, I love you too!

Arya: …Eragon, get away from me! It will never work!

Eragon: …(cricket noises in background) But…I heard you say you loved me!

Arya: Yeah, when you were dead.

CP: BURN!

UP! 

Saphira (To Eragon): I hid under your porch because I love you!

Saphira: I can smell you!

Durza (To Eragon): Will you please be my prisoner! Please, please, please, be my prisoner!

Murtagh (looking at Saphira): Giant Snipe!

Saphira: Oh, I know a joke! A squirrel walks up to a tree and says, "I forgot to store acorns for the winter, and now I am dead." Ha! It's funny because squirrel is dead.

More Random

Nasuada: Ugh, I get no cell phone reception at Farthen Dur!

Brom: Eragon, you should really get a snuggie. It will keep you toasty warm.

Murtagh: Stop calling me emo!

Durza: Eragon, your mother was a hamster and your father smelled of elderberries.

Eragon: Hey, do I insult your parents?

Durza: You know, that's fair, I'm sorry.

Eragon: Arya, how come you are so tall?

Arya: I am an elf.

Eragon: Yeah, I know, but according to the Grimm Brother's, elves are tiny.

Arya: That is a myth, elves aren't that short. Stinking Grimm Brother's.

Brom: *singing "Be Prepared" from The Lion King*

Eragon: Why are you singing that?

Brom: I want to be king, you idiot!

Saphira: Clear the runway!

Angela (To Solembaum): You gonna do your little turn on the catwalk? Hmm? That little turn on the catwalk?

Solembaum: SHUT UP ANGELA!

Eragon: Hey, hey, hey Galby! Hey Galby. Galby, hey Galby!

King Galbatorix: WHAT?

Eragon: Hi! *runs away laughing*

Eragon: Saphira! I choose you! *insert Pokemon battle here*

Eragon: For Narnia…oops…

King Orrin: It's ALIVE! *manic laughter*

Nasuada: That's nice, Orrin, now about the Varden…

King Orrin: Nasuada, you're pretty!

Murtagh: Galbatorix, I am leaving. It was fun while it lasted.

Angela: It is hard to read the bones when book 4 is not out…

Angela: I am seeing….seeing…seeing…nothing for your future

Eragon: What does that mean?

Angela: I need new glasses

Roran: Katrina, I am sorry that Eragon exiled your father.

Katrina: WHAT? He said my father was killed!

Roran: Oh yeah, he did…opps…

Katrina: Roran, what's going on?

Roran: Nothing….*gulps nervously*

Katrina: I am gonna hurt you!

Roran: *runs away*

Saphira: Glaedr, wanna make out?

Solembaum: Cat, Imma kitty cat, and I dance, dance, dance, and I dance dance dance….

King Galbatorix: I am your king!

Eragon: I didn't vote for you.

King Galbatorix: You don't vote for your king.

Eragon: Then how did you become king then?

Arya: Oh I just can't wait to be Queen!


	7. New Years Resolution Edition

Things They Wouldn't Say- New Year Resolution Edition

Eragon: Find a way to make Arya love me

Eragon: Make peace with King Galbatorix

Eragon: Find a better best friend than Harry Potter

Eragon: Pray that CP doesn't kill me off at the end of book 4

Eragon: Make a new dragon saddle for Saphira

Eragon: Eat more cheese…I love cheese

Eragon: Master the art of Origami

Eragon: Train Hiccup

Eragon: Start that Eragon Fan Club

Eragon: Make sure to avoid the screaming fangirls (fangirls: HEY! WE LOVE YOU!)

Eragon: Call Murtagh about that Family Reunion on Dr. Phil

* * *

Arya: Prevent Eragon from wooing me at all costs!

Arya: Stop cross dressing

Arya: Attend mother/ daughter counseling

Arya: Invite Arwen for tea

Saphira: Invite Toothless for another visit

Saphira: Try the fish diet

Saphira: Stop giving free rides to others

* * *

Roran: Divorce Katrina

Roran: Get back together with Katrina after I start to miss her and admit I was wrong…

Roran: Build that baby crib

Roran: Register at Babies R Us

Roran: Learn magic

Roran: Whip my hair back and forth

* * *

Nasuada: Enter the Martha Stewart sewing competition

Nasuada: Dye my hair pink

Nasuada: Enter that rap competition

Nasuada: Get a cat

Nasuada: Start my fashion line

* * *

Angela: Prove that there are no such things as cats; only werecats exist

Angela: Make sure Orrin doesn't blow himself up again

Angela: Make pina colada's for that Luau the Twins are hosting

Angela: Prove that the cake is a lie

Angela: Try defying gravity

* * *

Orrin: Find the cure for cancer

Orrin: Get a therapist

Orrin: Enter the Science Fair

Orrin: Make a Science Olympiad Team

Orrin: Propose to Nasuada

* * *

Galbatorix: Tend them rabbits

Galbatorix: Change my name to Galby Walby

Galbatorix: Fake a peace treaty with the Varden

Galbatorix: Adopt Murtagh

Galbatorix: Call Voldemort to have a pizza party

Galbatorix: Figure out what this so called game is…people keep saying they lost the game…what the heck is this game?

* * *

Durza: Schedule dentist appointment

Durza: Sue the hairdresser

Durza: Get a bikini wax

Durza: Get new contacts

* * *

Murtagh: Get a girlfriend

Murtagh: Buy an X-Box and play Halo

Murtagh: Buy a Wii for Galby Walby- He needs a new pastime (Galby Walby: What are you suggesting?)

Murtagh: Buy that summer home I wanted in Cancun

Murtagh: Plan my world domination with Thorn (Galby Walby: What about me?)

* * *

Thorn: Talk to Saphira

Thorn: Pimp my scales

Thorn: Tell Shruikan to stop buying me presents- it's creepy

Thorn: Return those fitness dvd's that are long overdue

* * *

Ajihad: Give Nasuada a spending limit

Ajihad: Re-do the throne room

Ajihad: Build a statue in my honor

Ajihad: Buy those sugar cookies- it's ok, they are made with splenda!

* * *

Brom: Find out who this B.o.B. is…apparently he has the magic in him

Brom: Visit Yoda

Brom: Buy that Gandalf costume

Brom: Get a cell phone- telepathy is so last decade

Brom: Make those veggie tacos

* * *

Elva: Get Eragon to lift this spell

Elva: Take dance lessons

Elva: Ti-Vo Dancing with the Stars

Elva: Try the South Beach Diet

* * *

Sloan: Open up that restaurant

Sloan: Do the Hell's Kitchen Auditions

Sloan: Wallow in self loathing

Sloan: Learn Braille


	8. Things They Wouldn't Say Part 8

Things They Wouldn't Say- Eragon Style

Part 8

* * *

Galbatroix: Do not prolong my suffering.

Durza: That's what she said!

* * *

Eragon: I was hunting…hunting in Narnia.

* * *

Arya: Poor Durza, how will you tell the King? You're the Fail Whale!

* * *

Eragon: How much?

Sloan: Free!

* * *

Soldier: And where did you get such a string of appetizing jewels?

Brom: Your mom…

* * *

Soldier: My friend doesn't like you. And, I don't like you either!

Brom: You don't even know me!

Soldier: You know what, that's fair.

* * *

Durza (To Eragon): Do you feel that? I'm choking you…from a distance. CHOKING YOU!

* * *

Eragon: Stop being such a Boring Brom.

Brom: Hey!

* * *

Eragon (Reacting to his home that is buring): SHIT! MY HOUSE!

* * *

Brom (Wakes up, startled): Did I leave the stove on?

* * *

Eragon (Looking at the Gedwey Ignasia on his palm for the first time): Look at what you did.

Saphira (Mysteriously begins to talk): Put a tampon in it!

* * *

Eragon (To Saphira about the lack of milk): I'm sorry, that's all there is.

Saphira: FATTY!

* * *

Durza: My King, John Malkovich, it is as you feared, Jeremy Irons is here!

* * *

Durza: My King, Galbatorix, it is as you feared, Voldemort is here!

* * *

Arya: Eragon, do you like my "I LOVE Eragon" T-shirt?

* * *

Durza: Ra'zac, Ra'zac, Ra'zac!

Ra'zac (Pop out of the ground): What?

Durza: HI! *Runs off*

* * *

Soldier: Are you deft? Be on your way!

Brom: No need to shout.

* * *

Brom (To Eragon): May I see your Rider's License?

* * *

Eragon (Regarding his first flight with Saphira): This is not my idea of fun.

* * *

Saphira (Complaining): No, no, no! You see, the money always goes to the Rider. I do all the work, but he gets all the money!

* * *

Eragon: *Reading a Harry Potter manuscript*

* * *

Eragon (Giving his newly forged sword the name Brisingr): WOW! I did not see that one coming. The sword actually glows. Why does the sword glow?

Saphira: *Smiles*

Eragon: Why is she smiling at me?

* * *

Eragon (After Brom explained to him about the Dragon Riders): Cool story brah, you should tell it at parties!

* * *

Consuela (As in the Consuela from Family Guy): No, no. Mr. Ajihad no here.

* * *

Consuela (To Ajihad): We need more lemon pledge…

* * *

Eragon: How do you know all of this?

Brom: Because I am your favorite Peddo!

* * *

Eragon: Tell me about the Dragons.

Brom: What the hell is a dragon?

* * *

Galbatorix: Durza, you little shit, sit down!

* * *

Urgals (To Durza): Dude! You need to stop randomly showing up!

* * *

Durza (To the soldiers about Eragon rescuing Arya): Security, security. This dude needs to go.

* * *

Brom: What are you an idiot, Eragon?

Eragon: Apparently.

* * *

Brom (After Eragon blows up the bridge in Daret): You'll have to pay for that you know. That's Daret property…

Eragon: SHUT UP!

* * *

Brom: Let's go to the Varden.

*Camelot Song Plays*

Brom: On second thought, let's not go to the Varden. 'Tis a silly place.

* * *

Eragon: I will name you Excalibur….I mean Brisingr!

* * *

Brom: Eragon, stay out of this!

Eragon: Excuse me, you see me here attacking the Ra'zac. Don't interrupt, rude.

* * *

Brom: Will you not listen to anything I say to you?

Eragon: Ah-ha, no, you gon tell the truth!

* * *

Brom (To Eragon): I hid out in Carvahall because you are my son…oops, I shouldn't have told you that…

* * *

Durza: Congratulations, you've just been promoted.

Urgal: FML!

* * *

Eragon: I spy something blue.

Brom: *Sighs* Is it Saphira?

Eragon: However did you know?

* * *

Eragon: Saphira, can you carry three?

Saphira: Absolutely not.

* * *

Brom: Eragon, I am your father.

Eragon: WTF? Is this some Jerry Springer shit? Am I being punked?

* * *

Eragon (To Murtagh at the waterfall): Come on.

Murtagh: But, I can't swim!


End file.
